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Posts Tagged ‘Alberto Gonzales’

Regarding oneiroi’s recent post about Congress stepping aside and letting Bush quietly ream our democracy: MoveOn.org has created a petition that you can read and sign here. Go on record saying, “I’m outraged that Congress capitulated to President Bush and gave him more unchecked power to wiretap Americans without a warrant. I demand Congress act swiftly to reverse this reckless act.”

Because, seriously. Why the fuck did we elect democrats if this is what they’re doing with their time?

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I will admit my interest in politics, especially here on the blog, is not based on the need to know what’s going on in my government. Basically it’s just reveling in the soap-opera of it all.

And luckily Alberto Gonzales keeps on giving. The best part of his hearing on Thursday was his terse exchange with Senator Specter. These two guys are roughly on the same team, and so Gonazales thought this would be a great time to just let his annoying-ness shine. Read more for my in depth analysis of Gonzales in his finest hour:

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I believe I’ve figured it all out.

Every time Congress is investigating the current administration, there is a widespread attack of memory loss. They suddenly can’t remember talking to other staff members, emails they sent, letters given, meetings, etc. Alberto Gonzales can’t remember if he was involved with the firings of the attorneys, his assistant doesn’t remember talking to Rove, etc.

All you can do is take their word and move on. Thank goodness, I mean if they remembered, someone could challenge their honesty and then throw around words like “lies” and “perjury”. It would all just slow down these investigations.

Seriously, someone needs to step in. Find the best Doctors, becauseĀ I believe there’s a health crisis going on. They must have a very potent virus running around the capitol, eating their memories. The sooner we can quarantine everyone and find a cure, the sooner we can find the answers that we need.

I wish them all a speedy recovery.

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This is technically called Drowning In Republican Tears #3, but really I think this is just everyone else’s tears.

GonzyFrom the man who denies the existence of Habeas Corpus, and stood up against Defense Secretary Robert Gates for wanting to shut down Guantanamo, I bring you Alberto Gonzales! (more…)

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As I sit and eat my bowl of out-of-season blueberries (it’s okay, I like my fruit tart) I think to myself, Britney, where’s your fucking hair? And why are you so crazy? I am so confused right now. It seems as though Britney was less crazy when she was with K-Fed. Am I wrong? Am I? No, I am not.

Here’s what I want to know: What was Britney thinking when she (literally) gave herself a buzzcut? Who tricked her into believing she had the style/face to pull off a head with no hair? And what was she on? I speculate the Brit was intoxicated with some sort of illegal substance, perhaps a magical pill that causes one to hallucinate he or she is Sinead O’Connor. Or Montell Williams. But, I have to admit, unlike the rest of the world I can, to a certain degree, relate to Britney. Not because I’ve memorized the dance moves to “Crazy” and “Oops I Did It Again,” or have imagined myself walking hand in hand with Justin Timberlake on a white sand beach while white horses gallop freely along the shore, but because from time to time I’ve considered shaving off my own hair. But I don’t ever to through with it, mostly because I have an ill-shaped head, but also because 1) I’m not completely without superficiality, 2) I’m not artistic enough to appreciate myself…in that way, and 3) I don’t think I could pull it off. I would like to think that one day I might be ballsy/confident enough to shave my head, but seeing as how (at the moment) all my friends are shallow, and we all know how influential friends are, I don’t think I will be taking an electric shaver to my head anytime soon. And you know what? I bet Britney’s friends….even shallower than mine. Which means she is obviously going through some sort of nervous breakdown and cannot think clearly. Friends don’t let friends drive drunk. And in a recent interview with her ex-beau, the deadbeat claimed Briney was incredibly insecure (about her looks), and really, really loved sex. One might think that if Brit Brit was feeling down about her bod and face, she wouldn’t have, perhaps, shaved her head, or spent the past few months gorging herself with cheetos and ignoring the treadmill. And don’t get me wrong, I know it’s difficult to go to the gym, as my dust-collecting gym membership card has not been used in the past (lot of) months. But I think, and I might be going out on a limb here, that if I was a millionaire and therefore had the means to hire a personal trainer and chef, I would be motivated enough to step away from processed foods. Although, who knows. Maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe I too would marry a backup dancer, put Stephen Dorff in my music video, have two kids, wear a shirt to the premiere of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” that said “I have the golden ticket” with an arrow pointing towards my pregnant belly, get divorced, dye my hair black, then bonde, then black again, have lots of threesomes, hang out with Paris Hilton, stop hanging out with Paris Hilton, never see my children, sit in a pile of my own vomit, shave my head and then the next day wear a weird wig with sunglasses, and go mental. May. Be.

I would like to say though, I think Britney Spears needs help. I believe her recent behavior is a reflection of her mental instability, and that nine years of living under a microscope has taken its toll on her. Women in the media are scrutinized more than anyone else, and it’s really no wonder this poor girl has become, like her hit song, crazy. I think we’re all familiar with how deconstructive stardom at a young age can be to a person, and it is our duty to send out positive wishes to our good friend, Britney Spears. I will begin.

Get better soon, Britney. No matter what anyone says about you, I will always remember your performance at the 2001 superbowl. Unstoppable. And hot.

PS. I lied up above. About the blueberries, and how I like my fruit tart. I actually like my fruit to be really sweet (like candy!).

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