In the movie Caddyshack, there’s a scene in which Carl Spackler eats a candy bar swimmers mistook for a piece of shit, a moment that has turned into a prophetic piece of cinema. According to “Nightmarish Scenarios That Routinely Ruin Summer,” there’s a bacterial parasite, Cryptosporidium, that lurks in pools, and arrives there by way of turds. And in a poetic cycle of doom and destruction, the symptom of infection is well, lots more poop. I’m just saying, there’s a kiddie pool for a reason, folks. I don’t care if one of your litter is a “very mature three;” if he’s wearing swimmies, stick him in the kiddie pool and put up a fence. But aren’t bacteria tiny indefensible beasties who need hosts to survive? Not this little fucker, who has his own person Deathstar made of an “egglike shell” to keep him going for 10 fucking days in chlorinated water. Christian fundamentalists are onto something, because if this is its byproduct, evolution can suck it.
And if you choose to not heed my warning, you should at least follow the advice of the CDC, and “never use the pool as a toilet.” And if you see a Mars bar, call Bill Murray.
I have one lethal peanut allergy, and zero regrets.