****Warning: This post contains spoilers, the biggest of which being that this movie sucks.****
It being a rainy weekend, tons of Americans rushed to the movie theaters to see Wolverine, which is being called the “first big movie of the summer” by, well, me I guess. So I saw Wolverine along with $87 million worth of Americans, and it was unfortunately a pretty bad movie. And by a pretty bad movie I mean that it was really sucky. We do learn some things about Wolverine however. For example, he didn’t always have metal claws, but weird and creepy bones that pop out of his skin, that are totally breakable. And he’s almost 200 years old. And that the name Wolverine comes from some weird and gooey love story that his girlfriend tells him. Are these things that we want to find out about Wolverine? That he’s a sappy, bony old man? Oh yeah, and he’s Canadian. Not that there’s anything wrong with being Canadian, but come on, Canadians are such nice people. We don’t want our conflicted anti-heros being Canadians! We want them to be cocky and boorish Americans!
Anyclaws, the movie gets to present day after an opening sequence of Wolverine and Sabretooth fighting in everything from the Civil War to Vietnam. The brothers Mutant are deemed too dangerous for the American military and join a special force under William Stryker, a man who basically had no choice of profession other than military despot after being born into the name Stryker (it was that or a professional bowler). They join a few other dudes with special powers. There’s Ryan Reynolds who plays a character called “Less Funny version of Van Wilder but with more swords.” Not sure how he got that awkward name, but he gets about 2 minutes of smarm in before disappearing for the majority of the movie. Then there’s will.i.am’s character John Wraith, who can teleport, but only seems to use his gift to catch up with people who have walked away from him (mostly likely because he is very boring). Then there’s the hobbit from Lost who plays a guy that can control things with his mind, but only if he gently touches the side of his head and closes his eyes, like he’s Whitney Houston hitting a high note. There are also other characters, but I don’t care.
Shit gets too real for Wolverine, so, like anyone, he decides to move to the top of a mountain with a really hot woman and spend his days being a lumberjack. But someone kills his wife (I won’t ruin it for you, oh wait, yes I will, it’s Sabretooth) so he gets back in action and they put adamantium in his bones so now he’s metal wolverine and not bony wolverine anymore (he remains Canadian, however). But then there’s a secret plot to kill him instead, and he was just a pawn in Stryker’s evil game to make a super-mutant. Stryker informs us that the only way that Wolverine can die is to be shot with adamantium bullets, which is the name of your shitty new band.
Finally Gambit, the only reason I saw this movie, comes on screen. Now if you’ve never heard of Gambit before, I’ll just tell you, he’s your hero. He’s a cocky dude from New Orleans, who drinks like a poisson, carries a staff, and can manipulate energy. He chooses to do so by flicking kinetically-charged playing cards at people. And he’s the coolest guy you’ve ever met. In this film he is played by Taylor Kitsch, who plays the character Tim Riggins on the show Friday Night Lights. While Kitsch looked the part, he dispenses of what was already a pretty bad Cajun accent after about five minutes, and then doesn’t really do a whole hell of a lot other than look pretty.
And then the movie ends with a big fight on a nuclear power plant thingie between Wolverine and a super-mutant Ryan Reynolds whose mouth is sewn shut (seriously, don’t see this movie). Wolverine wins, but he then gets shot twice in the head with adamantium bullets. Now do you remember when I said that that was the only way to kill Wolverine? Well the writers decided by the end of the screenplay that that was stupid, so now it’s the only way to erase his memory. Come on you guys, keep up.
And that was the end, although, stick around for the scene after the credits if you want to be like me, and by that I mean be a total idiot. Summer movie season has gotten off to a pretty bad start. I hope it gets better, or I might just move to the top of a mountain with a beautiful woman and become a lumberjack. Or shoot myself in the brain with an adamantium bullet.