So a new study has revealed that frequent masturbation among twenty and thirty-somethings can lead to cancer. At first I was terrified…but then I figured it out. And all I have to say is…
Very clever, Mom and Dad.
Over my pre-teen and teenage years, you told me so many lies. That it would make me go blind. That it would give me hairy palms. That it would make my head swell up like a balloon and that I would float up into space. That if I kept doing it, an army of banshees would visit our house in the middle of the night and kill our cat. That God videotapes us when we’re alone and that he plays the video on a constant loop in Heaven.
But come on guys, I’m twenty-six now. You really think you’re going to fool me by performing a fake study and getting it printed in various newspapers, magazines and websites (like in the above link to “Popular Science” – an oxymoron and obviously entirely made up publication). Besides, it’s not like I’m doing that anymore anyways. Geez, I’m an adult for Pete’s sake.
Anyway, I’ll write more later. For some reason I can barely see the keyboard right now.