I caught an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I think E! was running a marathon or something. Have you seen this show? I mean, I have. But I’m assuming your television standards are higher than mine. Since I’ll pretty much watch anything. But I stopped watching KUWTK after its series premiere because it upset me and I couldn’t handle how much Khloe Kardashian looked like Chyna. I’m talking about Chyna the wrestler, fyi. However, I recently watched the Kardashians’ E! True Hollywood Story and found the family’s back story interesting so I decided to give the show another shot.
Now, for those of you who aren’t familiar with the Kardashians they’re basically, at this point, known for being related to Kim Kardashian. Kim who’s best known for a leaked sex-tape with Ray-J and having a big butt. Literally. As previously stated, I watched their THS, that is all Kim’s fame is based on. But(t) the Kardashians were also family friends of the Simpsons back during the OJ Simpson trial days. Like I said, interesting family history. Anyway, I want to review the episode I just watched so here’s a brief summary of who’s who and what’s what on KUWTK.
On the Kardashian side we have Kris Jenner, who was once married to the late Robert Kardashian, and together they had four children: Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, and Robert Jr. Then we have Kris’ current husband Bruce Jenner. Bruce was/is still considered an Olympic icon. Apparently he performed really well at the ‘76 summer Olympics. But that was before I was even born, so who cares? Bruce has four children of his own though. One of whom is Brody Jenner. Sound familiar? That’s because Brody’s one of the douche bags on The Hills. Lastly, Kris and Bruce have two children together, Kendall and Kylie. They look like they’re about 10 and 11.
Okay, so living in the Kardashian house is Kris, Bruce, Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, Robert Jr, Kendall, and Kylie. One big happy family. I believe E!’s tagged them as being “A Modern Day Brady Bunch.” I guess. If the Brady children suffered through sex tape scandals and chummed it up with Paris Hilton. Right, but anyway, there are all these crazy people living under one roof and so naturally, chaos ensues.
This episode begins by recapping last week’s show. Apparently Kim fought with Khloe and Kourtney over a Bentley she was purchasing. I don’t know, something about Kim being convinced Khloe and Kourtney are jealous because they can’t afford to buy their own. It’s stupid but probably true. Anyway it led to Kim knocking her purse over Khloe’s head while Khloe ate a Chipotle Burrito Bowl, resulting, somehow, in Kim not wanting to speak to her or Kourtney ever again.
Now for the current ep. Kris, being the peacemaker she is, planned a mini vacay at some ski resort in Colorado with the entire family, thinking that the getaway will magically bring everyone together. That Kris, she’s like a modern day Ghandi. So the entire episode is set in Colorado.
The program opens with the family’s airport arrival. As soon as they step outside we see that Bruce rented a Hummer, and it’s clear Bruce is entering the first stages of a mid-life crisis. Everyone laughs at Bruce, then Kim and Khloe fight some more.
The family reaches their destination. We watch as they step into their ski-resort dream house. Seriously, this house is so nice. I don’t want to think about it. But within eight seconds Kim logs onto her computer and begins ichatting with her boyfriend, Reggie something. Reggie Miller? Reggie Bush? I think he’s a football player. The clan finds Kim’s behavior annoying and Bruce tells Kim she is computerized, which is something an old person would say. Kim hits back with, “No one wants me to be happy!” And audiences across the nation all agree that truer words have never been spoken.
Next we watch Bruce zip into a snowboarding outfit obviously made for a 16 year old. The family makes fun of him. And rightfully so. Then it’s off to the slopes.
Lots of skiing, snowboarding shots, etc. The camera fades in on Kourtney and Khloe laughing hysterically as they fall off the ski lift and somersault down a hill. Kim, in a talking-head, expresses her emotions at this moment. She is lonely. She feels dejected. We’re then shown Kim, by herself, snowboarding downward at a speed of .3 mph. Symbolizing how alone Kim feels on the inside, and the slow pace at which her brain functions.
Later on, back at the house we all, for about two minutes, watch Kim text her boyfriend. Bruce is all, “I hate texting! No one talks anymore! I am old!” And Kris is all, “No one is having fun on my vacay!” Kris then attempts to grab Kim’s phone from her. Big mistake. Kim subsequently, in a fit of fury, charges up the stairs and everyone’s in the dark as to what’s about to occur. But in the meantime the entire family, Bruce and Kris included, chant in unison, “Kim is mature! Kim is mature!” Indicating just how mature they themselves are. Kim steps out onto staircase and throws an object to the floor. We see it is Kris’ phone. Payback, it sure is a bitch.
Kim runs to her room and begins to cry. The remaining family members realize that chanting an insult about Kim may have upset her. In between sobs Kim cries that she feels like everyone’s ganging up on her, and tells them they’re rude. Kourtney can’t help but laugh at her and in a talking-head explains it’s because when Kim cries she makes an ugly crying face. This makes me think of Claire Danes’ ugly crying face. Nothing is resolved.
Minutes later we hear a doorbell and in comes a party of seven or eight 20 year-olds. Some male ski instructors Bruce befriended on the slopes. He invited them over for beer and pizza. Again, the mid-life crisis. In a talking-head Kourtney reveals Bruce is going through menopause, which works out well because Kris too is going through menopause. You know, Kourtney’s pretty of funny.
Skipping out on the male bonding session, Kim steps outside and relaxes in the hot tub. Interestingly, she is wearing a bathing suit reminiscent of one that I wore in second grade. Regardless, she is, once again, alone.
The following afternoon is all about dog sledding. Kris reserved some sled dogs(?) to pull the family around? I don’t know how PETA views recreational dog sledding, but for now let’s consider the activity as completely normal. But Kim opts out of the d. sledding. Typical Kim. Such a downer. We follow her back to the house and listen in on her convo with Reggie. Kim’s not having fun and wants to go home. Reg asks her why then she doesn’t. And she decides to leave. Kim packs up her belongings and walks through a blizzard down an isolated road. Like a scene straight out of an ABC Family movie.
The rest of the fam returns home, realizes Kim is not there, they call her cell phone, say they’re sorry, and Kim comes back. Everyone hugs and then they play catchphrase. When it is Kim’s turn she describes her word as: “it rhymes with horah moans” (Norah Jones). Smart. Kim is smart.
It is at this moment I realize why I stopped watching this show in the first place and I turn the channel. The End.