If you’re anything like me, a lot of your life is spent watching movies and abusing various substances (for your sake, I hope you’re not like me). These movies are usually watched late at night, and are of dubious quality. If you’ve had a bit to drink (or have abused other substances) and it’s late at night, you rarely want to watch Gone With The Wind. But the crappy late night movies that you watch have their own qualities, and they deserve recognition. I plan to do just that in this new Brooklyn Skeptic semi-regular feature: Movies For Substance Abusers.
Movie: Lake Placid
When: Friday, 12:30am
Substances Abused: A few beers, a couple glasses of wine, ChezJJP.
After a happy hour with bearclaws, a quality movie with oneiroi and recklesley, and the above mentioned substances, ChezJJP and I sat down on a cool March night and turned on the Bill Pullman classic Lake Placid. It’s the story of a New York woman who is summoned to a small Maine town when a local deputy has been killed by something in a nearby lake. Bridget Fonda plays an the uptight Manhattanite who meets with local policeman Bill Pullman. Pullman employs his “act by squinting” method, and you get to see him rock some bitching shorts.
As the group go to the lake to investigate the murder, they figure out that it’s a crocodile that is killing everyone. This brings in wacky character actor Oliver Platt, who plays a crocodile lover or something (things were already getting hazy for me at this point) who comes in by helicopter and brings some much needed comedic relief to the proceedings. The crocodile then proceeds to bite off heads, chomp people in half, eat live cows, attack boats and helicopters, and make Betty White swear. At one point, everyone’s favorite Golden Girl looks at Bill Pullman and says “If I had a cock, this is wear I would tell you to suck it.” Priceless. I’m pretty sure she calls someone else a “fuckshit.” If only the rest of the gang had been there to see that. I’m sure Estelle would’ve joined in the fun.
While the end is pretty wacky, I must say I was disappointed. From the moment Pullman and Fonda met in the beginning, I was waiting for them to make out. And then it never happened. What the fuck Pullman? It ends with him inviting Fonda out for a beer? She almost got bitten in half! Oliver Platt is in the hospital and several people have had their extremities bitten off by a 30-foot crocodile! Tell me what would make you feel better than some squinty Bill Pullman action?