Jumper: Hayden Christiansen plays a guy who can teleport. He brings his girlfriend to all sorts of cool places and woos her. Samuel L. Jackson plays a guy who doesn’t want him to teleport. He gets angry and yells things like “Did you think you could teleport without any consequences?!?” That hot girl from that show I never watched is in it (Rachel Bilson). This is the biggest release of the weekend and is already getting some of the worst reviews. It’s playing at the Pavilion and the United Artists on Court Street.
Diary of the Dead: George A. Romero is back! At at almost 70, he’s still hungry for brains! Having given up on using the time of day at the beginning of the titles (Night, Dawn, Day) Romero made Land of the Dead in 2005 and now is making Diary. While I was hoping this would be a selection of readings from the diary of a sixteen year old zombie (Dear Diary, How do I get boys to like me? Eating their brains def doesn’t work!) it is instead the handy-cam chronicling of the end of days by a group of college filmmakers. While I honestly wasn’t that impressed with Land of the Dead, I’m still making this my pick of the week. This is playing at Village East Cinemas on Second Avenue in Manhattan, where there is a midnight show tonight.
Krang is an easy target for zombies.
The Spiderwick Chronicles: This basically looks like a Nickolodeon version of Pan’s Labyrinth, only it doesn’t take place during the Spanish Civil War, and there’s no guy with eyes on his hands. As a side note, I think that old Handy Eyes (I call him Handy Eyes) deserves a spin-off. Like his own sitcom on NBC. Don’t you think? Like Handy Eyes tries to make it in the big city? Or…or…or…as a glove model? His roommate is a jock who gives him a black handy eye every time they high five? Seriously, the possibilities are endless. Anyway, Spiderwick stars the actor from Finding Neverland as a kid who finds a magical world while living at his great uncle’s house. It’s playing at Court Street, Cobble Hill Cinemas and the Pavilion.
He’s Handy Eyes! His eyes are on his hands and it’s awesome! He’s Handy Eyes! On NBC Tonight After an All New Blossom!
Step Up 2 The Streets: In 2006, we were asked to step up. Now, only two years later, we’re being asked to Step Up 2 The Streets. Not “to” the streets, mind you. “2” the streets. That’s even more hardcore. Who knows what we’ll be stepping up 2 next. Or stepping up 4? The possibilities are frightening. People dance in this movie. I’m assuming it has to do with an underdog who dances against an established dancer? It’s playing at the United Artists on Court Street and the Park Slope Pavilion.
Definitely, Maybe: This is the new romantic comedy with Ryan Reynolds and Abigail Breslin. Due to the rising star power of Little Miss Sunshine’s Abigail Breslin, I’d like to personally offer her the following advice:
I get it. You’re cute. You’re precocious. You wore thick, oversized glasses and stole America’s heart. And now you’re huge. I’m here to warn you that you’re going to need an even stronger lens prescription because apparently you can’t see the crushing misery that lies ahead.
Spawn of Krang and Handy Eyes. She got Krang’s size and Handy Eyes’ poor vision.
Cute child stars start to look weird. It’s true. Remember Jonathan Lipnicki? How about your brother Spencer Breslin? His last role was as an elf in The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause. Do you know how I know this? Because I, too, was once a star. Let’s just say that I was once considered for the part of “Boy” in an Osh Kosh B’Gosh commercial (yes, that Osh Kosh B’Gosh). And, in 1989, this young, talented red-headed buck placed second place in the Delaware Pinewood Derby. Sure, it was rigged, but that was the game. What came next? A picture on page seventeen of the Delaware Gazette. But that’s where it all went downhill. I lost my mansion and my respect. I even lost my Pinewood Derby trophy.
So beware, because fame and cuteness are fleeting. Your next two movies are Kit Kittredge: An American Girl (which is based on a line of dolls I think) and Nim’s Island, some sort of family adventure flick with Jodie Foster. My advice? Get a part in the next Rob Zombie movie. Or Quentin Tarantino. But that’s just one former star’s opinion. This is playing at the Pavilion.
The Year My Parents Went on Vacation: This was Brazil’s official submission to the Best Foreign Language Film category of the Academy Awards. Despite having not been chosen, it has won acclaim all over Europe as well as several film festival awards. It’s about a young boy from Brazil who is abandoned in a Jewish neighborhood in 1970, which also happens to be when the Brazilian soccer team is in the World Cup. This is playing at the Landmark Sunshine.
Other than these, In Bruges is opening at Cobble Hill Cinemas, and the midnight movie tomorrow at the Landmark Sunshine is Clockwork Orange. Happy Valentine’s Day!