January continues with what looks like a bunch of shitty releases. There’s no way that you’ve seen all the recent Oscar hopefuls. If haven’t seen There Will Be Blood, I highly recommend that you check that out before any of the below. Or No Country for Old Men. Or Atonement. Or Juno. All the same, here are some new movies coming out this weekend.
Meet the Spartans: This is a truly puzzling concept for a movie. From the title, it would seem that it is a spoof of 300 and Meet the Parents. Meet the Parents, however was just spoofed in the equally stupid looking Date Movie. And 300, if anywhere, should have been spoofed in Epic Movie (also dumb looking). None of this should matter though, because you shouldn’t see these movies anyway, because they look like total shit. The trailer features jokes from movies that came out several years ago (You Got Served) as well as “Britney Spears is crazy” jokes. Basically, if you’re annoying douche of a coworker who makes stale pop culture jokes all day could make a movie, this would probably be it. Oh yeah, and Kevin Sorbo is in it. This is playing at the United Artists on Court Street.
Rambo: I still haven’t made up my mind on whether this is going to be the best bad movie ever made or simply the worst. Either way, I’m sure I’ll end up seeing it at some point, if only to hear Sylvester Stallone try to connect words to form full sentences. Among my favorites from the trailer are “When you’re pushed, killing’s as easy as breathing,” and “live for nothing, or die for something.” Rambo, in addition to fileting people alive, is apparently quite the philospher. What is sure about this film is that it promises to be an insanely violent and painful experience. And who knows? He’s made sequels to Rocky and Rambo. Maybe he’ll finally read the romantic sequel to Tango & Cash (Tango & Cash 2: It Takes Two to Tango) that I’ve sent him so many times. This is playing at the United Artists on Court Street and the Pavilion.
Untraceable: There’s a serial killer who is using the internet. They use the word “cybercrime” a lot. The director, Gregory Hoblit, has made some decent thrillers (Primal Fear, Fracture) but that’s not enough to make me see this in theaters. The movie stars Diane Lane and Colin Hanks. It’s playing at the United Artists on Court Street and the Pavilion.
How She Move: Another in the ever-growing stepdancing genre, this one is about a girl who must move from her private school back to a public school in her old neighborhood after the death of her sister. She joins an all-male dance group and before you can say Step Up 2 the Streets (which I believe comes out this February), she is sliding on the ground and flipping over people in slow motion. This is playing at the United Artists on Court Street.
4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days: This Romanian film won both the Palme D’Or at Cannes, and has won many other awards across the world. It takes place in a 24 hour period, and follows a woman who is trying to negotiate an illegal abortion during the communist Ceaucescu regime. It is my pick of the week (it doesn’t have much competition). It’s playing at the IFC Center in Manhattan.
Otherwise, Persepolis is opening tomorrow at BAM, and there is a midnight screening of Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas at the Landmark Sunshine in Manhattan.