I was sitting around the other night, probably watching an Empty Nest marathon, when all of the sudden a commercial came on that made my night. No. Scratch that. It made my fucking year. That commerical was for Tooth Tunes, a new product from toy company Hasbro. TOOTH TUNES! The product, which is aimed at youngsters who hate brushing their teeth, or who have such bad ADD that they need to be entertained while pasting on the Crest, basically consists of music coming out of your toothbrush. TOOTH TUNES! What is amazing to me thus far, is the mechanics of the product. Here’s how it works (taken from the Hasbro website):
“Your kids will love brushing their teeth to hit songs from some of their favorite artists. As sound vibrations stream from the bristles through their teeth, they hear the music in their heads. But, when they take the bristles off their teeth, the music stops playing in their head. So they’ll actually want to keep brushing for a full two minutes!” TOOTH TUNES!
Sound vibrations stream from the bristles through their teeth?!?! They hear the music in their heads? Seriously? That seems a little creepy to me. I somehow don’t think that that would make me want to brush my teeth all that much. What if they program more than music in there? What if they program strange messages and commands? I can already see some little kid on trial for assassinating the president and saying that his toothbrush told him to do it. Hasbro really just wants to create an army of little child warriors with glistening pearly whites to do their bidding.
Paranoid rantings aside, the commercial itself is the epitome of everything I find amusing about consumerism. It begins in some dystopian land of tyranical toothbrushing, where kids stand in formation and stare at a screen of a woman saying “Up, down, up, down,” showing the tots how to brush their teeth. Then, a hip kid with long hair busts in and yells out “Enough!” holding a toothbrush over his head so that all can behold their new dental deity. TOOTH TUNES! A sonic boom rushes over the crowd and Kiss’ “I Want to Rock and Roll All Night” starts playing in the background. An awesome toothbrushing party ensues.
I would love to buy this product and test it out (if only to hear Kelly Clarkson songs in two minute installments while getting ready for bed), but I’m a bit trepidatious. At the very least, I will be following the popularity and success of the product. In the meantime, keep a close watch on kids with especially shiny dentures and a look of murder in their eyes.