Oh man, what a massive load of shit is coming out this weekend. The big summer blockbusters are about to start, hence studios are putting out the fugliest of fuglies before they start releasing the big guys. All four of these major releases are flagrant rip-offs of previous movies, all of which are most likely better (with the exception of Premonition, which I have never seen). Hence, I am posting the poster of the more original movies below.
The Condemned – This is basically Battle Royale, but replaces students with convicts, a government run organization with an internet reality show and originality and terror with professional wrestlers and bloated action sequences. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin is trying to go from wrestler to action star. Sadly, he doesn’t have the same charm as The Rock, or the ironic sweetness of Andre the Giant.
The Invisible – Have you seen Ghost? Replace Patrick Swayze with a teenager, and edit out the steamy pottery scene, and you’ve got The Invisible. Oh yeah, and I don’t think there’s even any Whoopi-esque comic relief. I have never, nor will I ever again, describe anything as Whoopi-esque.
Next – Nicholas Cage models bad haircut number 15 in bad movie number 25. Someone tell Nicholas Cage to get a new agent, accept that he’s going bald, and call the Coen brothers, Charlie Kaufman or David Lynch. If they’ll still even talk to him. There are so many movies that look like this. Premonition, Final Destination, Minority Report, etc. I could go on.
Kickin’ It Old School – It’s weird to have to write this, but this Jamie Kennedy movie is actually the most original of the major releases this weekend. Really, he’s only copying himself. Kennedy stars as Justin, a break dancer who goes into a coma after a breaking accident during the 80’s and comes back in the present. He decides to put together a break dancing crew, and there’s a competition or something. I say he’s copying himself because this looks very similar to his last effort, Malibu’s Most Wanted, in that it’s about a pasty, dumb white guy trying to mimic black culture. Maybe throw in a dash of The Brady Bunch Movie too.
There are a few interesting movies in limited release this weekend.
Jindabyne – Laura Linney and Gabriel Byrne star in this drama about a group of men who find a young girl’s body while on a fishing trip. I’d say it’s a rip off of, I don’t know, Stand By Me. But it’s not. This is playing at the Landmark Sunshine on Houston Street.
Diggers – In a week of crap, this is my pick. Ken Marino of The State wrote and stars in this movie about clam diggers in the 1970’s. Ken Marino is my favorite cast member from the State, but I wish that the trailer for this didn’t look as cliched as it does. All the same, there were some funny bits, and at the very least I can just sit back and think of how funny The State used to be.