I will admit my interest in politics, especially here on the blog, is not based on the need to know what’s going on in my government. Basically it’s just reveling in the soap-opera of it all.
And luckily Alberto Gonzales keeps on giving. The best part of his hearing on Thursday was his terse exchange with Senator Specter. These two guys are roughly on the same team, and so Gonazales thought this would be a great time to just let his annoying-ness shine. Read more for my in depth analysis of Gonzales in his finest hour:
Just to give you the full joy of the conversation, I have gone ahead and translated it and brought out the subtle nuisances of their exchange.
For more fun, listen along with the video while reading my translations, you’ll find that it’s exactly what they’re thinking during the conversation:
Specter: …I know you’ve been preparing for this hearing.
Translation: I know you’ve been preparing hardcore to cover your ass and…
Alberto: (interrupting) I prepare for every hearing, Senator
A: Hey, I prepare for everything, especially hearings. I’m really quite amazing…and insolent. Oh and completely annoying. I went to Harvard!
S: Do you prepare for all your press conferences? Were you prepared for the press conference where you said there weren’t any discussions involving you?
S: (under his breath) Motherfucker. Alright you little twerp, what about those pretty little press conferences where you said you weren’t involved with the firings huh? Were you prepared for that? Just try to answer that. I dare you.
A: Senator, I’ve already said that I misspoke. It was my mistake.
A: Jesus Specter! I already told you, I’m so sorry. Get off my back old man. You’re not my dad!
S: I’m asking you, were you prepared? You interjected that you’re always prepared. Were you prepared for that press conference?
S: Alright asshat, you want to play this game. Had to make your snide little comment, so now answer my question, do you prepare for your press conferences?
A: Senator, I didn’t say that I was always prepared. I said I prepared for every hearing.
A: No! I said hearings, I always prepare for hearings. What is a press conference?
S: Well, and I’m asking you, do you prepare for your press conferences?
S: My therapist said I should count to 10 to calm myself down when I feel like ripping someone’s arms off…hold on…(10 seconds later)
…I’m asking you a brand new question, that I so didn’t try to ask you five minutes ago, “DO YOU PREPARE FOR PRESS CONFERENCES?”
A: Senator, we do take time to try to prepare for the press conference.
A: If you’re going to be a jerk about this fine. You win. I “prepare”…but barely.
S: And were you prepared when you said you weren’t involved in any deliberations?
S: Woooo ha! Now we’re getting somewhere! So why are you a screw up?
A: Senator, I’ve already conceded that I misspoke at that press conference. There was nothing intentional. And the truth of the matter is, Senator, I-
A: As I said earlier, grandpa, I take all responsibility and am completely at fault…yet I will continue to act arrogant and unapologetic and will stay Attorney General until the 7 Horsemen of the Apocalypse ride in…but maybe I’ll stay then too
S: Let’s — let’s — let’s move on. I don’t think you’re going to win a debate about your preparation, frankly. But let’s get — let’s get to the facts. I’d like you to win this debate, Attorney General Gonzales.
S: You’re an ass. I really want you to survive these proceedings, I just hope someone puts tape over your mouth and sends you to some secret CIA prison just so I will never have to talk to you again.
A: I appreciate that.
A: You’re totally right, I’m an ass.
(Alberto Gonzales Spends the rest of the hearing mumbling the phrases “I’m sorry” and “I don’t recall”)