There’s a lot of shit coming out this weekend, so I’m going to run through it quickly before getting to the good stuff, and rate how bad they look on a scale of farts (five being awful, none being good).
Disturbia – This is essentially Rear Window with worse actors. I mean no offense to Shia LaBeouf and his fantastic name, but this movie does not look very good. And as witty as the title is, I think it’s safe to say we should all skip this one. Rent Rear Window instead. Two farts.
Pathfinder – I don’t know a whole lot about this movie except that at the end of the trailer it says Rated R for Strong Brutal Violence Throughout. I kind of want to see it. Anyone? Two farts. But they’re those farts that smell weirdly appealing.
Perfect Stranger – Brosnan Pinchot does not reprise his role as Balki Bartokomous for this movie. Instead, Halle Berry stars in another crappy looking throw away thriller. Boo. Five farts and a little accidental poo in the pants.
They were perfect.
Red Line – This movie is basically Fast and the Furious (or maybe it’s more like 2 Fast 2 Furious or Tokyo Drift – which one’s your favorite?) but with Otter from Animal House. Four farts.
Slow Burn – I love Ray Liotta. I’m not going to hide it. I love him in a special, real, and emotional way. His infectious laugh makes me want to dance on a celing with Grace Kelly. So despite the fact that this movie is getting pretty bad reviews, I’m only going to give it one fart.
Ray reacting to the news that I will father his child.
Lonely Hearts – Strangely opening only at Cobble Hill Cinemas, this is a crime drama about serial killers who find their victims in the personals section of the newspaper. It stars John Travolta, James Gandolfini, Salma Hayek and BS fave Jared Leto. It looks pretty boring and the director’s previous efforts include the screenplay for Bad Boys 2. Three farts.
Year of the Dog – Mike White directs Molly Shannon, Peter Sarsgaard, Regina King and John C. Reilly in a movie about single people who love their dogs. This looks pretty good actually, and Mike White is a great writer (School of Rock, Orange County, Chuck and Buck). This looks like a fart-free movie experience. Sadly, it’s only playing at Recklesley’s favorite SEFH, the Angelika. So one fart.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters – I don’t know much about this show. Except that I’ve watched it on Adult Swim before at 4 in the morning and laughed. So the movie should be fun, especially if you’re stoned or if it’s four in the morning. One fart. The trailer looks pretty funny.
Everything’s Gone Green – This is my pick of the week. Douglas Coupland wrote the screenplay, and he is a great writer and artist (although apparently this is his first time writing for film). The movie stars Paulo Costanzo, who most people know as the guy who gets high all the time in Road Trip and Joey’s brother on that show Joey that luckily went off the air before doing too much damage. Here’s the trailer. No farts for this movie. In fact, it’s fartless with a spray of Febreeze.