Cannibal killers. Mutant reptile ninjas. A swim team. Precocious children. Traumatized widowers. Marky Mark. What do these things have in common? You can pay eleven bucks to see any of them in theaters this weekend. Do you want to? Well, if you’re unsure, here’s a second opinion.
The Hills Have Eyes II – You know, I hear that horror sequels to remakes are always really good. For realsies. Instead of a vacationing family being terrorized by mutant creatures in the desert, the sequel features National Guard trainees taking on the monsters, resulting in what I can only assume will be more gunfire and less creativity. I also have no respect for sequels that do not add colons and extended titles to the mix. This movie should have been called The Hills Have Eyes II: Bifocals of Rage. Definitely skip this. Instead, rent the Wes Craven original. And buy diapers.
TMNT – This looks bad. I have always been a turtles fan (Donatello was my personal favorite). I was obsessed with the first live action movie to the extent that I developed one of my first crushes (April O’Neil) and my first hero (Casey Jones – p.s. also had a bit of a crush on him too). I even dug the Secret of the Ooze, its sequel, despite its substitution of Casey Jones for that kid from Surf Ninjas (best movie ever). And then yes, there was the third one, but I had gone on to better things by then. When I heard that they were making a cartoon film that was going to be darker, I was excited. And then I saw the trailer. I heard Shredder wasn’t in it. I thought, hey, maybe Krang? No Krang. So I’m sad to say, skip this. For die hard fans, I would say wait for video. I will.
I wish I could see this again, for the first time.
Pride – Terrence Howard stars in this 1970’s biopic about a man who converts an old pool hall in Philadelphia into a swimming pool. The city threatens to demolish it, so he puts together an all African American swim team. I predict that they don’t work too well together at first, but a few musical montages solve that, and help them to beat the evil rival team. Terrence Howard can pretty much make magic out of any role or movie he is involved with, so if you are a big fan of his and like inspirational sports movies, this might be worth the admission price.
The Last Mimzy – Boasting one of the worst titles I’ve heard so far this year, this is also my pick of the weekend. Boasting no real cast (unless you consider Timothy Hutton and the Dwight from The Office as “stars”), it is the story of two young kids who discover a box of toys on the beach. They turn out to be more than just toys though, as the kids suddenly develop MENSA intelligence levels, and unlock secrets of the universe. “The Last Mimzy” apparently refers to the name of a stuffed rabbit who talks to one of the kids. The trailer reminded me a lot of E.T., which is really why I want to see it. Nostalgia. I’m a sucker for it. Also, what’s the deal with movies about people talking to bunnies?
Reign Over Me – Adam Sandler plays a grieving recluse who runs in to one of his old college roommates and the two strike up a friendship. Adam Sandler has gone serious a few times now, with mixed results. This one doesn’t look like one of the good ones. Despite having Pearl Jam on the soundtrack and the presence of Don Cheadle, I would still skip this one.
Shooter – They already made this movie. And it didn’t star Marky Mark with a ponytail:
Wayans and Voight! Together at last!
Really, I can’t highly recommend any of these. But if you live in Brooklyn, both BAM and Cobble Hill Cinemas are playing The Namesake. Also Cobble Hill is playing The Lives of Others and Volver. Some of these theaters offer matinees and student discounts, so they would be cheaper and most likely won’t insult your intelligence. And otherwise, there’s always Norbit.