The Five Worst Movies of 2008

While I will be waiting until the end of the year or January to create a Best of 2008 list, I feel pretty confident that I am not going to see movies worse than these in the next month (G-d willing). Just to be clear, there were plenty of movies I did not see over the year. Had I seen everything, this list would undoubtedly look very different (and most probably include The Hottie and the Nottie and Beverly Hills Chihuahua). These are movies that I saw on purpose and now wish that I had a time machine so that I could go back and slap the studio executive who green-lit these projects in the nuts.

Step Brothers – I don’t hate Will Ferrell movies nor do I hate John C. Reilly (in fact, sometimes I love him). So why did I so dislike this movie? Because I’m guessing that this is what the whole screenplay looked like:

INT. HOUSE – DAY

John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell shout at each other for two hours while wearing tight 80’s band tee-shirts. At some point, Will Ferrell shows his nut sack.

FIN.

Prom Night – I’ve written about this once on this blog, but just to reiterate. I was drunk. Quite drunk. I’m pretty easy to entertain when I’m drunk. I was wasted once in Canada and watched a three hour marathon of Dog The Bounty Hunter without batting an eyelash. But Prom Night was seriously terrible. I’ve come to expect certain things from slasher movies, and thus was ready to forgive the terrible acting and writing. But I’ve also come to expect things like gore, suspense and nudity. None of those were in this either. I never had an official prom, but from what I’ve never heard, most of them are a lot like this movie: no one gets laid, and no amount of booze can hide how bored everyone is.

Sex and the City – I still think I was drugged with mimosas and beers, but somehow I ended up seeing this movie. I understand that I’m not the right demographic for this film, but I usually recognize that and manage to have an okay time. I could not do that here. First of all, the movie was two and a half hours long. And as far as I can remember, the show used to be mildly funny. The only time I laughed during this movie was when a character literally shits herself, which isn’t exactly on par with the at-times witty dialogue from the television show.

The X-Files: I Want to Believe – I can’t tell you how much it saddens me to put this film on my worst of 2008 list, but it has to be done. This movie sucked. As a huge fan of the television show and the first movie, this was probably the biggest disappointment of the year for me. Not only was the story-line so forgettable that I honestly can’t remember it here (something about a pedophile priest and harvesting body organs – or was that my dream last night?), but the dialogue between the two agents was laughably bad.  I honestly hope that they put this to rest now, like they should have after the series lost David Duchovny.

And finally,

The Happening – The worst movie I saw this year. I would’ve gotten more out of a David Lynch movie if it were in Aramaic and I was blind and being spun in circles while being pelted with whiffle ball bats. I would try to summarize the plot, but I really have no idea. Just don’t see it.

And now, onto some special awards:

So Bad It’s Actually Kind of Good: Doomsday. Seriously, they’re in the future and then they’re in a Mad Max style post apocalypto with dudes with mohawks and guns and then suddenly they’re in medieval England. How? Fucked if I know. But it was seriously entertaining.

Worst Date Movie: Teeth. If ever you have to go on a date with someone that you don’t ever want to sleep with (or see ever again), take them to this.

Worst Title: Made of Honor. Seriously, I still don’t really get it.

Worst television reality drama disguised as a documentary: American Teen. As far as semi-scripted reality television goes, this wasn’t that bad. But seriously, a documentary? Come on.

Worst Title: Midnight Meat Train. No one heard anything about this movie in 2008. Why? Because they probably thought it was gay porn.

Worst experience buying tickets at the movie theater box office: Fighting with the ticket lady about how to pronounce Synecdoche, New York.

Worst looking movie that I still sort of want to see: Death Race. Is it weird that I want to see Jason Statham in everything?

Worst looking Nicholas Cage movie in a string of really bad looking Nicholas Cage movies that I will never see: Bangkok Dangerous.

Worst case of judging a movie by its plot: Flash of Genius. It’s about the guy who invented windshield wipers. I fell asleep just writing that last sentence.

And that’s all for this shitty ones. Come back later in the year when we celebrate the best of 2008!