The Five Most Ridiculous Things to Happen This Season on True Blood

Several of us here at Brooklyn Skeptic have been following the new HBO Series True Blood, which deals with modern-day vampires in Louisiana who are “coming out of the coffin” due to the invention of a new synthetic blood that vampires can drink in lieu of biting people. From the get-go, the show has been clunky, often poorly scripted, filled with stereotypes and incredibly insane story lines. Here is a list of the five most ridiculous things that happened on this season of True Blood.

1. Sam is a dog – Not only are there vampires on this show (and apparently werewolves), but there are also shapeshifters. After a lot of annoyingly obvious hints that Sam was, in fact, a dog, he finally gives Sookie a surprise by waking up naked on the foot of her bed. And now he does it all the time. In the finale, he rips off his shirt while running to save Sookie from Rene, in the same way Superman would loosen his tie before running into a phone booth. The only question is, when fighting against a murderer, wouldn’t he have more luck as a regular man than as a border collie? 
2. Vampires have dirty sex – In one of the hammiest moments of the show (and possibly television, ever), Sookie runs into a cemetary in slow motion wearing a flowing white dress to find her vampire lover Bill. She is scared that he has been killed in a fire along with several other vamps. Suddenly his hand pops up from the dirt of the cemetary and he emerges, naked, covered in what one can only guess is worms and maggots, to have sex with Sookie right there. I’m assuming they were trying to show the passion the two characters had for each other, but seriously, this was just fucking gross.
3. Vampire blood gives you crazy boners – Vampire blood (V-Juice, as it’s so delightfully called) is used as a drug for humans. It’s effects are like combining extacy and viagra in that it makes you hallucinate and improves your sex life. The catch is, you should only have a drop or two. Jason Stackhouse, being the dumb redneck that he is, drinks a whole vial of it, fearing that the cops will catch him with it. It gives him a boner that won’t go away. He spends most of the episode (and it’s the dominant storyline in the episode, if you can imagine) trying to masturbate his problem away, before giving up to go to a doctor and get it drained. It was a sick, stupid episode.
4. Actually killing a vampire is pretty damn gruesome – I used to be a big Buffy fan, and since the show wasn’t on HBO, when vampires were staked, they kind of disintegrated, and blew away with the wind. On this show, that’s not so true. One thing that I truly appreciated about the show is that they didn’t just run around staking people. The vampires are real characters here, not just target practice, so when they actually stake the bartender from Fangtasia (vampires like puns), and Eddie, the sweet vampire played by Stephen Root, shit got real. In the case of the first, it was like someone opened a pipeline inside the guy’s body, as blood just poured out of him and all over Sookie. It was at the beginning of the episode, and definitely had me hooked for the rest. In the case of Stephen Root’s Eddie, a weird, web of blood sprays all over Jason. It was a really sad moment, made all the more real because of how graphic it was.
5. Rene is totally a serial killer, him – everybody’s favorite Cajun-accented, one-liner spewing Rene ended up being Drew Marshall, a crazy guy who kills fang-bangers and does not have a Cajun accent. How do we learn this? Arlene’s kids find some vampire porn of his in the garage, which he conveniently keeps alongside a “Cajun Dialect for Actors” tape. This was the most ridiculously stupid plot twist I’ve seen on television in a long time. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he also had a copy of “How to Convince your Friends and Loved Ones that You’re Not a Serial Killer but Instead an Eccentric Cajun Guy with a Goofy Goatee.”

All this being said, I can’t wait to see how crazy/stupid season 2 will be. Oh, and if Lafayette is dead – I’m coming after you Alan Ball.